Blog Introduction

This blog is the story of how my husband and I faced the illness and death of two of our children. Each blog post is essentially a chapter in the story, so in order to truly understand it, you are going to benefit by starting at the beginning.
I hope you find our story touching, and in some way find comfort and hope through it as you face your own storms in life.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

The Start of Dreams

I continued to silently deal with my episodes of emotional and spiritual unrest.  While others remained unaware of my inner battles, I shrugged most of it off as just being normal for someone preparing to leave the country.  There were many things to be done; continued fund-raising, planning school for Mike, selling our home and most of our furnishings, and preparing to say good-bye to much loved friends and family.  We had decided to sell our home; it would be too difficult to try and maintain from 4000 miles away. We were going to take the minimal amount of goods with us on the plane, and then put the rest of our needed items on a container ship.  Needless to say, things had gotten busy.

Shortly before our summer in Slovenia, I began to have vivid dreams.  I had had weird dreams before, but these were different.  They were pointed, and direct, and I could actually attach meaning to them. Some may think it's silly, but I believe God can speak to us through our dreams.  He spoke to numerous people in the Bible through dreams; why wouldn't He still use them to speak to us today?

The following is one dream I had in the spring of 2001.  I share it because I think there is a message in it for others; not just me.  I leave it to you to decide.

"Rob and I were leading a modest-sized home group (church).  We had taken a stand against the enemy (Satan).  I don't know what the stand was.  While the rest of the group remained in the living room, someone (possibly another leader), Rob, and I went to a small side room which happened to have a door to the outside, or into a garage.  The person who was with us told us that we had become a target of the enemy because of the stand we had taken.  We were duly concerned.  A few seconds later, there was a large crash as someone tried to ram the door open to the room we were in.  The blow was strong enough that it dislodged the door frame about 6 inches into the room at the upper left corner, and set the door ajar.  Without much effort, whoever it was could have gained entry quite easily after that, however, there were no more attacks on the door, and whoever it was had gone. We felt it was more of a threat than an actual desire to gain entrance.  We were shaken by it.
We immediately returned to the group in the living room.  I don't know if they heard the crash from the other room or not, but we told them we had been targeted by the enemy, and if any of them wanted to leave, they could.  A few got up and left immediately, looking very frightened.  Several others sat discussing amongst themselves what they would do, and the rest remained calm and seemingly unaffected by the knowledge of being a target.          
[I believe the above part of the dream could be interpreted separately from the rest.  What do you think about the three separate responses from the people in the living room?]

At this point in my dream, I was now standing in the kitchen.  In the room with me were a man, a woman, and two young children, about 4-6 years old.  The kids were sitting on the counter in front of a large open window.  I did not know these people, and even though they seemed pleasant, and the children were quietly engaged in playing, I knew they were the enemy.  I was standing slightly in front of the children, and I remember looking out the window behind them.  It was sunny and warm, with rolling hills and not a person in sight. I could see for miles.  I was feeling a mixture of anger at the enemy for just barging into this house, and yet was a bit uneasy, if not fearful, at what they may plan to do, and how easily they had found entrance into this home. 
One of the children had been working on making something, then suddenly turned and handed it to me.  Still angry at their presence, and knowing they were my enemies, as soon as the young child handed me the gift, I took it and threw it hard out the window.  He looked at me with hurt in his eyes, seemingly not understanding why I would throw away his gift to me.  The woman became indignant and began yelling things like, "Your kind are always doing mean things! He just wanted you to have a gift!"  Both she and I knew we were each others enemies, yet she expected me to treat the child kindly.  I knew that even the child was my enemy, and yet because he was a child, I had lowered my defenses. 
Suddenly, my motherly compassion rose up, and I was sorry for having hurt the boy, so I apologized to him.  I also desired to be a peacemaker and diffuse the anger in this woman, so I said to her, "You're right; I shouldn't have thrown it out."  I turned to the boy and told him I would go get it. Both the boy and the woman greatly softened in response to my comments, and for a moment, she seemed almost kind; a slight smile crossing her face.
I opened the door from the kitchen to the outdoors and stepped out.  When I turned toward the direction I had thrown the present, the grassy hillside that just moments earlier had been void of any person, now held a large number of the enemy standing in formation; row after row, and I knew I had made a mistake. 
The next picture I saw in my dream was that of the house I had been in, now totally taken over by the enemy.  I was standing near the same kitchen door I had opened and walked out of; now I was looking in and seeing wall-to-wall enemy, reveling and partying.  I had been outsmarted and defeated."

My interpretation of the dream at the time was this:
"I felt this showed how deceptive and tricky the enemy can be in gaining territory.  Although I knew they were my enemy, my heart had been softened by the hurt look of a child, and my resolve dropped by the peacemaking desire I had within.  As a result, I opened the door that let a flood of the enemy come in and take over territory that had been mine (God's).  I knew it had been my mistake.
I felt as though God was saying to me, "Be ruthless with the enemy; show no mercy, no matter how innocent or persuasive the situation may appear.  Do not drop your defenses or lower them for even a moment, because in so doing, the enemy can come in like a flood and take territory.  Be wise, and do not show mercy to your enemy.  You cannot make peace with your enemy." 

Maybe you can apply something I learned through this dream to your own life.  I know when dreams come so clearly and specifically, God is saying something.  We just need to ask Him what it is, and listen for His answer. 
This would just be the start of many dreams I would have over the next few years.  Dreams that pointed to my dilemma; dreams that pointed to my healing.  God was trying to get my attention.

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