Life Through the Looking Glass. The ability to look at life up close; to really see what is there, hidden in the tiny cracks of our lives and histories that otherwise would not be visible. For this story, my story, there is a retrospective aspect. The story is being told as it happened, but with the benefit of looking back; seeing what was happening underneath, behind the scenes, subconsciously. Observations made, things exposed, and insights and understanding which were acquired years later in the recovery and healing process, now become part of the story as it is told.
Having lived through this story from beginning to end, it is difficult not to share the underlying thoughts and lies I believed along the way, and show how they came in. I did not desire them; I did not want to believe lies, nor did I actually see them taking root and building walls in my mind. The tactics of our enemy are subtle. He preys on us at our weakest points, slithering in with his bag of half-truths, coyishly presenting them to us. He did not stand next to me one day and say, "Hey, God really screwed you over. You shouldn't trust Him anymore." Too obvious; I would have rejected it. But those very thoughts were carefully and repeatedly placed in front of me when I was extremely weak spiritually and emotionally. I was severely wounded, and those wounds left openings for wrong thoughts and lies to come in. Any break in our skin can allow microscopic bacteria and germs to enter our bodies undetected; so can a spiritual wounding open us up to the invasion of dangerous and devastating attacks from the enemy. Just as we wash away obvious dirt from our bodies, we in essence wash away and stand firm against the obvious attacks in the spiritual realm. However, a tiny cut on a finger infiltrated by millions of unseen bacteria can lead to a terrible infection which could threaten our lives if untreated, especially if we didn't see it becoming infected. We were unaware the threat was there.
There can be equally devastating attacks on our spiritual lives; ones we are equally as unaware of, that can knock us off our solid foundation as the enemy seeks to destroy us permanently. Spiritual and emotional wounds open us up and become breeding grounds for the "bacteria" of negativity and lies that Satan wants us to believe. He sneaks in and plants his poisonous notions, then leaves them to fester inside of us, slowly working its toxins throughout us until we are in great danger.
As I write this story, not only am I telling you how I experienced it and the feelings associated with it at the time, but I am adding insights I gained in recovery to show you how subtly the lies can be introduced, and how easy it can be for a solid Christian to be brought down when wounded. At the time, I did not feel anger towards God, nor overtly believe He was bad and no longer my friend. Those were ideas planted deep in my subconscious, which when they tried to surface, I quickly squelched, saying to myself they were not true. I remained a steadfast Christian, loved God, and believed He still had my best interest in mind. Even with the loss of my children, and the pain that accompanied it, I loved God and remained faithful. In fact, as the weeks went on I became stronger in my devotion, not only to God, but to helping other hurting parents.